IFS: 29 July - 16 August 2011

This was from my time at IFS in Pueblo, CO. It was definitely a struggle for me. I struggled with the actual training greatly, but also wrestled with feeling very unfulfilled flying, wondering if being a pilot in the Air Force really was what God had for me. I didn't enjoy what I was doing. Eventually made it through the training with mild success but, to this day, the whole IFS experience is a blur and I couldn't tell you what I learned there. I was just grateful to be done.

Friday, 29 July 2011

            This is my first significant time outside in three days but it feels like more. Days are filled with classroom lectures from 7am until 4:30pm with a lunch break in between. I’m trying to absorb everything but it’s a lot and usually overwhelming. Don’t even have time to think about how I feel about all of this, or if I’m enjoying it. Just do it.

            II Timothy 3:10-17

            I feel like Timothy and I come from similar backgrounds. We have a lot to be thankful for that we cannot take credit for having. It’s just been given to me. I don’t have to read the Word to know what it says because I already know it – not because I was born with knowledge but because I was born into a community and brought into a church that inundated me with incredible Biblical knowledge and wisdom. That was a gift!

            Even though I know this Book well it is not overused and worn out in my life. It will continue to inspire forever, so that God may be glorified and me equipped

Saturday, 6 August 2011

            II Timothy 4:9-22

            “[S]o that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.”

            This is my chief end; it’s not being successful. Here at IFS my sole purpose has been perfection in flying planes. It’s exhausting and unfulfilling. The reward for doing well is so small in comparison to the preparation you have to go through for the rest of the day. I don’t want to spend time investing in an airplane. I want to invest in people. I want to pursue the Lord.

            Father I confess that You’ve been an afterthought while I’ve been here. I don’t want my life to be that way. You are my first love, and greatest endeavor in life. My life, my training is Yours. It’s not mine to own. I give up my right to do what I want. Please use me for Your Kingdom’s sake. That’s the only thing that gives me lasting fulfillment.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

            The Word of the Lord is encouraging. Reading it, hearing it, just knowing it’s there is enough to comfort. These have been hard days and I’ve struggled and been beaten down in ways I’ve never experienced. The end is closer but I still have no confidence in my abilities. It’s Christ in me that succeeds. If you could read my thoughts while studying and know my temperament in the plane you’d agree, too. It’s the Holy Spirit that comforts me.

            “My hope comes from above.” My confidence in the Lord is such that the results from this program will not have an effect on my joy. If I strive to please Christ while I’m here I cannot fail (in spiritual terms (in human terms I absolutely fail)); and I’m not talking about becoming a pilot. My goal is to bring glory to God. If that means being screened (cut from the program) then so be it. If it means passing my check ride then even more so be it. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” even bring glory to God and have joy in the midst of human failure.

            “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” I pray for this. When it comes, though, my joy often turns to depression because my focus is on my circumstances and my wants. But if I turn to the Word in depression I find joy. The Word points me to Christ, and there is where my focus turns. I am Christ’s, and He never fails me. When my gaze is fixed on Jesus I see how big He is and how small my situation is. In affliction I find how sweet Your Word is, sweeter than honey.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

            Mark 12:28-34

            The only thing of worth we can bring to others is love. Wisdom and knowledge are great but can be found in the world. The love of God, however, is shown to the world through His children. Love, is the greatest commandment. Love remains. There is no love like the love of Jesus. When I become unsure of what love is I have only to look to Jesus and what He did for me. Love is action.

            I soloed today. One week ago I didn’t think I’d make it. I don’t think I’ll make tomorrow by myself. The only way I’ve made it this far and the only way I’ll make it through tomorrow is the Spirit’s intervention. I am not confident of my skills but I have great confidence in the will of God to get me where I need to be. If I become a pilot it will be because my Father made me a pilot.

            If the Lord wants us to go somewhere we are going to end up there. The only choice we have is how we travel. We can go unwillingly like Jonah or run there like Abraham and Elijah. Run.

            Seeing how I got through college, seeing how I’ve made it this far and looking at my talents, abilities, lack of talents and abilities, loves, passions and interests it’s obvious I am where God wants me. He loves me.

11 July - 25 July 2011

Monday, 11 July 2011

            Sometimes I’ll feel good about life. Headed in a good direction. Purity on the brain. Really have a good hold on my situation. Then I fall and realize how far I’ve been from “good” all along.

            I’m struggling here in Columbus. Met some friends but no one I can go deep with. I need that accountability on the ground, not only close air support. My sin shames me. Never have I been so unsure of life as this. It will improve, I know. I just don’t’ want to feel so alone. I wish You would write me letters with my name in them. So tired of this struggle. Lots of questions.

            Reading your Word I want you to yell at me for my rebellion. Then I read II Timothy 2:13, “if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” And that hurts worse. You’ve claimed me as your own and I see no good thing in me. I can’t understand why me. My attempts to be good and loving are always selfish. Please send help.

            I keep saying when I get this, or when this comes, or when I’m there, or here or when I’m with her or talking to this person it will be better. But those things only point to the next thing. If I can’t have joy and contentment now I never will. How do I get there, Jesus? Take me to Eden.

            If you plan to take me out of pilot training eventually, please just go ahead and do it now. It’s boring as all get out right now. The things I’m turning to for security and satisfaction leave me feeling empty. Each day it becomes more difficult to fulfill those desires.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

            II Timothy 2:14-19

            We don’t need theology to die (that is, to see heaven). That would imply my salvation depends on me. But, “The Lord knows those who are his.” He won’t require anything of me when I reach him. He already claimed me. “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord,” though, “must turn away from wickedness.” I do need right theology for that.

            “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” So handle the Word, but know right theology so you handle it correctly. That only comes by spending quality time in the Word: you, the Holy Spirit and God’s Word.

            If I don’t know right theology I could be led astray by people like Hymenaeus and Philetus. It happens every day. It happened to some of my friends. But the opposite can also happen if we correctly handle God’s Word. There is power.         

Monday, 18 July 2011

            Shame never brings me back to the Lord; neither does fear of retribution. The love of Jesus draws me back. When Jesus died on the cross ALL of God’s wrath for me was poured out on Him. On Jesus. That means no matter how far away I drift I will never taste the wrath of my Father. Are there still consequences for sin? Yes, but wrath? No. Rather, I will always ever only know His love.

                        “If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.”

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

            II Timothy 2:22-26

            From verses 20 and 21 I might ask how to cleanse myself from ignoble purposes. Paul answers with. “Flee the evil desires of youth.” But he doesn’t stop there. Once we remove evil we become naked, so we are to clothe ourselves with, “righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

            If I am naked I will do anything to cloth my shame. Even if it means putting on something dirty. That’s why Paul urges us to not stop at ridding ourselves of sin. If we do not cover our nakedness with righteousness sin will naturally creep back in. We cannot stand to live with insecurities visible. They must be covered up. So cover yourself with righteousness.

            Humility is a true mark of the Lord’s servant. Do not worry about winning. Quarrels always lead to division. Better to lose an argument and keep a friend than win a live alone.

Monday, 25 July 2011

            II Timothy 3:1-9

            “Always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth.” Everything Paul lists is true of today’s culture, but this sentence is loudest. We have so much knowledge but so little acknowledgment of Christ. And it’s not just “pagans.”

            I was just listening to a sermon by Scott from First Pres Opelika on James. He said those who rely only on their words and right theology lack truth. Ignorance isn’t only for the godless. Too many who call themselves Christians have so much knowledge but lack faith. Just because a jury has all the right facts doesn’t ensure they’ll come to a right verdict. In fact, it’s popular today for the “educated” to oppose the truth (not just spiritual) to come up with a new idea of what is right, even if it’s false.

            It is right to challenge ideas to know if they are true. And I acknowledge the difficulties associated with accepting Scripture, but I know it is truth. Its truth has been present in my life in ways that make me weep. Test the Word against something solid and you’ll find that it is true. By something solid I mean a thing you can garner results from, not simply a hypothesis. It’s true not because it works. But it works because it’s true.

3 July - 8 July 2011

Sunday, 3 July 2011

            II Timothy 1

            Why would Paul have reason to be ashamed? He wouldn’t say, “Yet I am not ashamed,” unless he had a good reason. It’s because he’s suffering, he’s in chains, he lost his high position. Those he used to work with scoffed at him. He used to put people in prison. Now, he’s in prison. So what reason does Paul have to not be ashamed?

            Assurance keeps Paul from shame. But I’m confused about what he’s entrusted Christ to guard “for that day.” Life? Eternal life? Death? And he says Timothy has also been entrusted to guard a deposit. The gospel? Community? Communion crackers? Money?

            Whatever it is we are not alone. I have the Holy Spirit’s help. Fortunately, He knows. Lord, show me what it is.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

            Coming here by myself, living alone, I knew there’d be ample amounts of temptation. I thought, though, that desperation would keep me from giving in and instead draw me to Christ. Now, it’s come again to a daily struggle. I want this to be a place of peace.

            II Timothy 2:1-7

            How can I expect a right mindset if I’m not striving for it? It won’t just happen. A strong Christian only becomes so through hardship, through the struggles. God gave Timothy the Word of God and the encouragement of other Believers like Paul to help him grow strong in Christ. Those things were put in Timothy’s life on purpose for him to use purposefully.

            Paul illustrates this with an athlete. The athlete won’t “receive the victor’s crown unless he competes according to the rules.” He also says that a farmer will receive his share of crops if he works hard for it. I can’t expect to arrive in a place sold out to Jesus on accident. If I want to be there I must set a course for there and study and pray to know how to get there. No one has ever stumbled upon sanctification. We are sanctified through the work of the Holy Spirit when we listen and obey.

Friday, 8 July 2011

            I’m thinking about going out and buying a computer game to alleviate the boredom. I won’t, though, because laziness always accompanies boredom. Splinter Cell is in one of the boxes I put in storage. Not sure which one. Might bring that up here. Kind of glad I don’t have internet right now. I’d just be wasting time on facebook and reddit. Wouldn’t mind some TV though.

And so it begins

This was just two days after I arrived in Columbus, MS for pilot training. I spent a month doing nothing before they sent me to Pueblo, CO for Initial Flight Screening. Some of this might be a repeat from posts early on in this blog. If so, then twice as nice.

29 June 2011

It’s times like these when real growth happens. When I feel alone and desperate and reach out for the one thing I know is certain, God’s Word. He is solid. He does not falter. He does not fail.

            Hold me close, Lord. Let me know I am in Your presence. This world, my job doesn’t matter. It’s You, Lord. Have pre-eminence in my life. Have Your way with me. Shine your favor on your child. Bring light into my life. Let me know for sure I’m not alone.

Today was good but didn’t go as planned. I went to the transition office at 8am to get an early start but no one was in there. I talked with two other Lt’s who were also waiting. Like an idiot I didn’t get their names.

            The office didn’t open until 10am so things started later than hoped for originally. I got a couple items checked off at the OG building then went with another Lt, John (got his name this time) over to MPF. Filled out some paperwork and was then told I would be called when I needed to come back. Didn’t get the call until the end of the day so I’ll need to return tomorrow.

            Afterwards I went to Housing and saw Mayer (I knew he was working there). So excellent to see a friendly familiar face even though I’ve been here less than two days. Lots of nerves I guess.

            Tomorrow I can move into a dorm. It’s actually smaller than this hotel room but has more amenities. And the bathroom light is inside the bathroom. I don’t understand hotels’ propensities (and my old apartment) to put the light switch for the bathroom outside the door. Also, we’re being given a four day weekend for the 4^th so I’ll get to go to the lake! Sweaty but fun.

            The gym on base sucks. It’s probably great for most people but unconventional for a crossfit workout. No free weights anywhere, just machines. So I did a workout with the trees and the side of a building today. Still got me tired.

            Had a heavy snack before I drove off base to look at the downtown area and the Tombigbee river. The downtown area is similar to Opelika’s but a little more compact. Lot’s of churches. I thought the city would be on or at least closer to the river but they’re a good distance apart. The river’s just the river; nothing on it. It’s like the founders tried to build the city on the river but missed.

Stuff from Before

The next few posts are from my time in Columbus, MS until now that I wrote in a journal. A lot of them are just some reflections on what I was reading in the Word but a lot of it covers pilot training. This is for Chloe and my mom, who check this periodically and will, hopefully, be surprised to find multiple posts. Also because Chloe convinced me it's more fun to have this stuff somewhere online than stored in a book in a closet.

Lord bless 'em, they can't cook

                  I walked into an antique store downtown in Cheyenne looking for some furniture: coffee table, end table, some kind of chair. As I walked past the register I greeted the lady who was running the store. She returned my greeting, paused for a few seconds, then got up and said, "Well, you're new here and from the South. How long have you been here?" Taken aback by her knowledge of my life I told her I had, more or less, just arrived (I never asked her how she knew I was new and from the South and it still puzzles me) and introduced myself to her. Linda (that's her name) is from New Orleans and moved here almost 30 years ago. I asked her why she moved up here. "Well the Lord just brought me here - probably brought me here to meet you! Now, let me tell you, the people up here are fantastic, wonderful, nice people but, Lord bless 'em, they can't cook! If you wan't anything worth eating you'll have to drive down to Fort Collins or cook it yourself."
                And here I am, Cheyenne: a sweet tea lovin, Auburn football havin, still wishin I was in Arkansas livin closer to that girl, Southern boy. The reality of being way up here (over 6000' above sea level) still has not sunk in. I've been too busy in-processing to my new job at the 30th Airlift Squadron, getting settled into the house I'm renting and spending weekends away in Denver or the mountains. When I talk to people back home I'm still referring to the South as "here," even though Dixie is so far, far away.
                I can already tell I'm going to enjoy working with the guys at the 30th. Everyone seems at ease and even though the deployments are busy there is still a relaxed feeling around the squadron. All the single officers I've gotten to know well are deploying tomorrow morning. Kind of a bummer. But there are plenty of cool married folk to go around. It's hard to say much more about work than that because I haven't gotten settled there yet. I know I will be working with the Stan/Eval guys (and I only say that for people who know what that abbreviation is (if you don't know then explaining would only leave you more confused)). It's one of the better shops to work in (so I hear) and the other guys in it are all very experienced pilots that will hopefully grace me with some knowledge.
                Like I said, weekends have been busy, but not in Cheyenne. The first weekend I was here I spent in Leadville, CO, crewing for a friend who was running the Leadville 100 Trail Race. It was brutal. Starting at 4am, going all day, all night and finishing at 6:30am the following morning. Sleep called out at every corner, begging you for just a little nap. The terrain was rugged at best, often jaw rattling. Exhaustion teamed with the altitude to make any physical activity arduous.It was also hard for the runners. But, seriously, the course was a lot more difficult and demanding than we thought but the landscape was gorgeous.

Runners ran down this hill to the final checkpoint before heading over a 12,000 foot peak. Once on the other side they turned around and did it again.

This was the last aid station we had access to as crew members. About 2:30am Sunday, and about a half-marathon left.

               The next weekend I asked my cousin, Aaron, who lives in Denver, what he and his wife, Minette, were up to. He said, "we're gonna hike a 14er. Interested?" Having absolutely no idea what that involved I said yes (and learned, about 24 hours after I committed, that a little research might have saved me regret). We camped out at the base of the mountain Friday night, got up early the next morning and started the "hike" around 7pm. The base was around 9500 ft. I took maybe 15 steps and realized I was already exhausted. The next 4000 ft of my life was, put bluntly, hellish. It could be seen as a scientific endeavor, realizing the effects oxygen (and the lack of it) has on ones' body. Basically, I didn't have as much oxygen as I was accustomed too and my body tried to stage a revolution over my mind in order to turn me around and just make it stop. Unfortunately, you can always take one more step, or shuffle, as it may be. The first 2000 ft were difficult but manageable. And this made it worth it:

 However, the last 2000 ft was just a shuffle, knowing that if I stopped, I would more than likely stop for good and turn around. I think I blacked out  because I don't remember much except switching back a lot and legs burning and quads cramping and wondering what I would do if I ever made it back down. Somehow, though, the shuffle got me to the top:

Not a great perspective, I know, but I was sitting down (possibly in a very reclined position

The rest of our group was on the top about 45 minutes before I got there so they were ready to head back down. Someone asked if I wanted my picture taken. I said no for a few reasons: I didn't want to stand up, it was really cold and windy, I just wanted to eat my sandwich, I was incredibly tired and, mostly, I didn't want to memorialize or remember that moment in any way. To our (my cousins' and my) surprise the group decided to take the alternate route back down rather then head back the way we came. We quickly learned that "alternate" route means much, much more unbearable and unpleasant and devilish route.

                The first 1500 ft down was loose gravel and rocks just big enough to twist your ankle, all at a slope so steep that tilting your head forward slightly would cause you to get down the mountain very, very fast and probably for the last time ever. We were following a ridge line (note to self: never do that) down that was formed by Satan the Deceiver. We would get to a flatish dirt spot and think, "whew, finally done with these awful rocks and steep descents," only to walk to the ledge and see you were horribly, horribly mistaken. On the way up all I could think about was that, maybe, one day, I'd get to go down hill. Once headed downhill, though, I started praying to go uphill again. But then we would go uphill for a bit and I would immediately regret that prayer. This was after we actually got done with the rocky descent, looking back:

Don't mistake the joyous expression on my face. I was not happy about what we had just accomplished

Finally below the treeline.

So fast forward a few more hours and we finally made it back to the car. And I was out of oil. I don't want to talk about it. Overall I have a greater appreciation for Sam and Frodo and what they accomplished on their way to Mordor.

All in all I've been having fun up here but still missing home, people and sweet tea (also Sweet Tea). I'm flying down to Arkansas this weekend on my way to Pensacola, FL for water survival next week. Looking forward to being around my Little Rock people again and to be within hugging distance of this one:

And I'll leave you with a picture of this truck we saw on the drive up to Wyoming:

On the Spanish Inquisition and Big Red Trucks

               Understatement: I've been working a lot. True Statement: if I work more than three days a week it's a horrible week. And usually I'm not at work more than six hours. That's just in the Legacy C-130 school house, though. The guys in the J (newer) C-130 school house seem like hardworking people compared to us. They get excited when they hit the flight line, not because they get to fly, but because it means they have 5 day work weeks opposed to their regular six days a week. And on our side I was supposed to be in class today for 7.5 hours. Instead, 3.5 hours after class started I was already home and eating lunch.
                With that said, it feels like I have not been doing anything work related at all, but we have accomplished some actual work in the last month. We just finished a round of simulators covering flight with Night Vision Goggles (NVGs, of course). Aside from looking like a goob:

they are fascinating to fly with. It feels a lot cooler than it looks. Before the sim starts we pick up a "night kit" along with our NVGs (regrettably we are not issued our own pair) that contains a bunch of glow sticks and tape to cover incompatible lights in the cockpit. Yes, military grade glow sticks. I haven't found it necessary yet to use a glow stick but crack one open every time because I can and usually pocket one or two also just because I can (gotta take what you can get in this sequester environment).
                  The most recent sims have mostly been opportunities for the instructors to play pilot while we sit in the copilot's seat and raise and lower the gear and flaps (press a couple of buttons). They have years experience flying the 130 and it shows. Sometimes they get so drawn into the sim they forget they're supposed to be teaching and we end up watching aimlessly and trying awkwardly to somehow contribute. It's like "helping" your dad fix the car when your 5 years old.

Dad: "hand me that screwdriver."
Me: "here."
Dad: "that's a hammer."

But actually I'm getting really good at pressing the buttons and, as night simulators have proven, can usually find those buttons in the dark (with the assistance of a glow stick).
                   Night sims are over now, sadly, and we've moved on to flying formation in the weather, i.e. you can't see the other planes you are flying with. We do this by utilizing a piece of equipment called SKE that more or less uses radar to track the other planes in your formation. SKE is short for Incredibly Convoluted Process and is technologically fascinating but is more tedious and less fun in real life.

               The main topic of conversation around work lately has been whether or not any of us will have C-130 flying jobs in the near future. The Legacy C-130 Active Duty units are all being phased out and, with them, so are many of the Legacy C-130 pilots. Obviously this has an impact on the training classes. Many of the guys in our class received emails towards the beginning of our time here saying that they might be pulled from the middle or end of training and reassigned to a different job. One of our fellows was supposed to be stationed at Pope AFB in North Carolina but he got a call last week saying he won't be going there any longer. They didn't tell him where he would be going.
                Another fellow we know completely finished C-130 training then received a dream sheet (a wish list of potential jobs) from his commander, which means he definitely will not be flying the C-130. And that was AFTER he had already become a brand new, fully qualified C-130 pilot. There have been other stories of guys being pulled from the middle of a simulator into their commander's office and told they aren't going to be happy with what is about to be said. It feels somewhat like the Spanish Inquisition of C-130H pilots. We are all afraid someone's going to come banging on our door in the middle of the night and drag us out into the public square and force us to fly RPAs (remotely piloted aircraft). RPAs are the bane of every pilot and pilotdom.
                 Telling a qualified pilot he's going to be "flying" an RPA is like clipping a pilot's wings. It's like turning a stallion into a gelding, It's taking away a cowboy's horse, gun and hat, replacing them with a laptop, a tie and a nice pair of slacks and telling him, "Good news! We've implanted microchips in all our cows' brains. Now you can herd them with this laptop from the inside of this windowless cubicle. Don't worry, you can still wear your boots. Just make sure to take off the spurs."  

               On a fun note, one of my friends, Brandon, is a firefighter and let a couple of us play on the firetruck:

Deploying the ladder anchors. Who doesn't love a firetruck?

From atop the 100' ladder. 

Room for three in the bucket plus a cooler. Would've stayed up there longer but I didn't have any sunscreen.

360* of ROTATION!!